Why Does God Command a Man (Not a Woman) to Leave His Parents (Gen. 2:24)?

Um. Are we sure that's a command?

One of my seminary students asked me something important: “Is there any significance to God telling the man in Genesis that he ‘shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife’ (Gen. 2:24)? Why is the husband and not the wife the one commanded to leave parents? Wasn’t it usually the wife who left?”

Great question.

Let’s begin with how the ESV translators render the verse referenced:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Contrast that with how the NET translators render the verse, especially noting the part in italics, which I added to both texts:

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become one family.”

The Hebrew phrase rendered into English as “therefore” or “that is why” functions as (technical-wording warning) a habitual imperfect, having a gnomic sense. Stay with me here. That’s a fancy way of saying it functions as an explanation: “this is why, it’s the way things are.” A parallel of such a construction might go something like this: “Memorial Day is an American holiday honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military. That is why {therefore} on the last Monday in May you’ll see graves at Veterans Cemeteries decorated with flowers and flags.” The narrator is explaining a practice rooted in an event with “that is why,” or “for this reason” or “therefore.” In the case of the phrase in question, Moses is explaining what life is like because of how God designed that man/woman thing. The words “leaves” and “unites” also seem to have this same sense—that’s why they unite and that’s why they become one. Because of what preceded the conclusion: “Then the man said, 'This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.'"

The man has named lots of creatures that are a mismatch with him. And finally, at last, appears one like him. Woohoo! That’s why he leaves Mom and Dad. That’s why he cleaves to her, is united with her. She is a gift from God.

The husband is not being told (commanded) to move out and get his own place or distance himself from his parents, though those choices are often wise in Western contemporary contexts. Men leaving fathers and mothers to go live with their wives’ relatives was certainly not the practice in Moses’s day. Rather, the groom stayed with his parents, and the wife left her family to go live with that of her new husband.

Rather than understanding “therefore a man shall leave” as “he should do this,” the original audience would have understood Moses as explaining why a mere three-month relationship can have even more power over a person than the parent/child relationship established over decades. And God designed it that way.

An abridged sampling of phrases that have the same grammatical construction demonstrates the “therefore” as meaning “that is why the way things are” rather than a command:

Genesis 10:9 He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; therefore [that is why] it is said, “like Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD.”

Numbers 21:27 Therefore [that is why] those who speak in proverbs say: “Come to Heshbon, let it be built; Let the city of Sihon be repaired. That’s why they say what they do.

1 Samuel 19:24 And he also stripped off his clothes and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Therefore [that is why] they say, “Is Saul also among the prophets?”

Psalm 25:8 Good and upright is the LORD; Therefore [that is why] He teaches sinners in the way.

Psalm 110:7 He shall drink of the brook by the wayside; Therefore [that is why] He shall lift up the head.

Ecclesiastes 5:2 Do not be rash with your mouth,  And let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; Therefore [that is why we should] let your words be few.

Jeremiah 51:7 Babylon was a golden cup in the LORD’s hand, That made all the earth drunk. The nations drank her wine; Therefore [that is why] the nations are deranged.

Habakkuk 1:4 Therefore the law is powerless, And justice never goes forth. For the wicked surround the righteous; Therefore [that is why] perverse judgment proceeds.

Habakkuk 1:15 They take up all of them with a hook, They catch them in their net, And gather them in their dragnet. Therefore [that is why] they rejoice and are glad.

Habakkuk 1:16 Therefore [that is why] they sacrifice to their net, And burn incense to their dragnet; Because by them their share is sumptuous And their food plentiful.

In not one instance is this grammatical construction operating as a command. In every case there’s a cause/effect relationship. This construction is used to explain the end result.

A well-known teacher of marriage seminars co-authored an entire marriage workbook series in which the opening page of one chapter begins thus, “Once a couple has received each other as God’s gift, they must leave their parents.”

Based on this and similar teachings, when I first coauthored Sexual Intimacy in Marriage back in the 1990s, my coauthor and I repeated this teaching in our “What is Marriage” chapter, wrongly assuming that the Genesis 2:24 passage was a directive, not a description. Later, as I studied Hebrew, I saw we had been inaccurate with the text, and we changed it in a later edition. (This sort of thing is part of what rightly makes writers hesitate to write—and also why I consider language training so important for teachers. Are we teaching what is true?)

The more troubling teaching I’ve seen come from this misconception bases an entire view of gender and spiritual marital hierarchy on Genesis 2:24, seeing “a man shall leave” as the first marriage command and drawing significance from its being apparently “spoken to” the husband. An interpretation follows that men are the spiritual leaders because God addressed this first “marriage command” to the male. If God is going to speak to a couple, it is reasoned, he leads through the husband. Never mind that he spoke to Samson’s mother or Pilate’s wife when he wanted to communicate something. Or that both husband and wife are given authority over each other in the marriage bed (1 Cor. 7:4). Or that it is assumed that mature couples can make mutual decisions (v. 5). And never mind that this is more an explanation for onlookers than a directive to the man/woman involved.

Dr. Robert Chisholm, who wrote notes on Genesis for the NET Bible and who chairs the Old Testament Department at Dallas Theological Seminary, summarized what’s happening in Genesis 2:24 when he told me this: “There is no directive here. Moses is explaining the historical basis for the nature of things. It’s all about why little boys morph into little ‘wolves’ around the age of puberty.” And I might add that it goes both ways. As Judi Burnell put it, “That is why the battle of the sexes will never be won; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” Application: Friends and parents, don’t assume you can stop that powerful chemistry.

More technically, here’s what the NET notes say on this verse: “This statement, introduced by the Hebrew phrase עַל־כֵּן (ʿal ken, ‘therefore’ or ‘that is why’), is an editorial comment, not an extension of the quotation. The statement is describing what typically happens, not what will or should happen. It is saying, ‘This is why we do things the way we do.’ It links a contemporary practice with the historical event being narrated. The historical event narrated in v. 23 provides the basis for the contemporary practice described in v. 24.”

So, to answer my student: Why does God command a man (not a woman) to leave his parents? He doesn’t. Genesis 2:24 says “A man shall leave” as part of a cause-and-effect relationship. God has brought the man a creature who is fleshy-flesh like him. Whoa! The two become one; they are united. That’s why he leaves Mom and Dad and is joined to her. So, friends and in-laws, good luck trying to get in the way of that man/woman thing. “For love is as strong as death” (Song of Songs 8:6).

Photo credit: Andree Hunter, Unsplash